missing those times.

Now the question is to down pes anot?

a month later, my status is gonna be up. and there's no way i will still be able to do parade and run around.. unless of course miracle happens.. and the sad reality is that chiropractic is not recognized by Mindef.
seeing the chiropractic doctor has its ups and downs, some days i feel the pain easing and on others its just pain.. very much my spine feels like the subject of a science experiment. waking up each day is like filing a report.. At times, its just pure frustration indeed; the feeling of being trapped in a spot, in a prison cell.
Then again, this whole episode is teaching me the value of being patient, anger management.. perhaps its just a test for me? mind vs body?

I really hope i get to wake up from this "dream" soon.. seriously, fighting hard to paint a smile on the face is not the way to go indeed.

Growing up, had always thought of myself as being lucky. That when I do activities, never had to deal with sprained legs, broken bones, fracture, nothing extravagant. Only the occasional cuts and bruises. Was envious of friends that got hurt along the way and even had thoughts of myself to be injured, to be hospitalised..
Then, 2011. My luck ran out and what I did saw was deja vuu indeed. The year I turned 21, the key to adulthood, my prime.

Its frustrating to cope with this pain, and to root of it all, denied ability to do what you want. Also comes the stress of being accountable to it all. I'm really tired; constantly question myself what to do, how to do..

Then comes the part of treatment, conventional vs non conventional.. Having my thoughts initially fixed on surgery getting it over and done with in a month, the conventional approach. But I'm scared of getting under the knife and also the bloody risks aft it. It may also lead to complications and relapse too.. Hais, that's one. And the other's the non conventional, chiropractic; which attempts to solve the issue at the root of it all. But, its a foggy path ahead and that I really gotta put trust in the physician and convincing the army.

Sigh, may 2012 be a better year please. Let me ord, let me go travel.

I really need that guiding hand now.. tell me what to do, how to go about it?

Stuck in the middle or dilemma literally. Not letting people down can be my forte and can be my murder, something I try hard to not have the former. Yet with this current depictment, I'm constantly forced into that corner. It really sucks to know that your friends are out there working hard, yet me being bounded by this nonchalant medical agreement. Its justifiable that you're the one that needs rest here, but with a pain that comes and go, doesn't exist in plain sight, and me doubting its existence at all ; its just pure mind blowing frustrations.

I hate people calling me a bummer, useless, chaokeng. Truth is that I'm not and I just don't know what and how to react in this situation of mine. Today I am be well, but that doesn't mean that god damn pain will not come knocking tonight.
Then there's the question of why continue doing those outdoor activities of yours given your injuries? Answer, yes I do feel pain doing them and against the doctor's advice. But they give me the temporary release from all that stress, and seriously not exercise at all! What am I going to do, sit around grow mold and grow fat? I also hate to see the hardwork I've worked hard to build before I enlist come tumbling down like a deck of cards. And lastly, not letting my friends there down too.

Which comes back to a whole continuous cycle... Army, family, doctor, friends. So frustrating.
I heard national service likes to take your weakest point, throw it into the open and let the sun tear at it. Is that what's going on now? Pls tell me if I can see the end of my tunnel or at least a tiny ray of light.