Thursday, 23 February 2012
Walk by Foo Fighters
Learning to walk againI believe I've waited long enoughWhere do I begin?Learning to talk againCan't you see I've waited long enoughWhere do I begin?
Literally I'm learning to walk again indeed. People around me does seem to go higher leaving me in a cloud of dust..
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
A friend recently commented "you're the type of person one doesn't hate nor love.. very neutral, and almost got the feel of we can do with or without you..."
This comment hit home for me spot on and jottled me up from the stiff bus ride. There's some kindof truth in it, and set me thinking as I've recently felt that in gatherings, somehow or rather I'm always the odd one out. 卖不出. There's always this barrier to communication, that body language that's hindering me. why? feels as thou my mind is not sync w myself at all.. Sustaining conversation is one, and two is being too quick to "close convo". Why huh? It is just simply of me lacking the self confidence in myself and that I should start self praising myself?!
How now brown cow?
problems of late /01:48
yes i still cant run, bored and soulless. running used to be my way of reliving frustrations and stress, now that i cant, i hope typing it out might be good for the soul.
sigh, been having a fair bit of mood swings recently. maybe its because of my back issues leaving me very quick tempered and not in the mood to socialise. tsk tsk no good no good.. Maybe its that I'm one that's always out and about; and just about recently people around me start to get busy.. so there's this energy around and no where to release it, owing to the start of me not able to run and do stuff.. welcoming frustrations.. sometimes I wished I could be in love; at least i get to be occupied, got someone to lean on, just Doing stuff.. every time this topic appears, all i could comment on is people's experience, my perspective, facts from the net, etc. Frustrating to hear and see so much, yet not been able to taste it..
*fingers crossed mate.
been also thinking about the future. Yes, procrastination leads you to davy jones! Back in poly, i used to think that 'heng, still got 2 yrs in NS to consider what to do.." but hor, in NS, this brain matter is practically frozen in time.. all i would think about is when book-out, when time-off.. studies and stuff are like locked and i've thrown away the key. fast forward and its 7months to go, and it seemed as though i've went to the north pole, came back and realised iphone4 had been launched.
its saddening that our society permits only a paper-or-dont-talk principle. Does studying so much make you a better person? Its just memorising and doing TenYearSeries, why dont we just get a computer instead? And that if one is not a paper holder, its almost certain the high paying jobs are out of your radar.. with cost of living aiming of the sky. how to survive when pay is not reciprocal to this increase? no wonder everyone's chasing the paper, studying for the sake of survival no longer a system where learning is based on one's curiosity, one's passion.. :(
to those that are not good memory machines, they naturally dont make the cut for subsised local universities. leaving private universities the alternative way to survive, but squeezing alot from your already drying pocket, plus rising cost of living. its an uphill struggle upon graduation indeed.
Change would be good. and in an urgent need to fast track. Everything from hiring to society as a whole. Currently, despite all. things are still largely modeled on the past, where the basics of starting up a country.. engineering, banking, medical.. but now that we've become first world, focus should be shared with things such as arts, science and sports.. everything in this sector is still pertaining to the thinking of 'if i do like this, how would we look, got money to gain?, dont have then throw'... back to money and glory again and paper chase. instead there should be a 'fall down and its okay try again' attitude, the process and people developer the importance. everyone's a leader in someway dont they? so focus on the people, not the economy! pls.
its time this society needs to step out of her shadow of the past. paint a smile again on people's face..
apologise if the thoughts are all over the place. but am in desperate need to get them out of this head uh..
龙年快乐！ /23:27
Happy Chinese New Year Folks!
Living up optimism that this year would be a good year for the horses in terms of love; but i gotta be more patient in terms of health, more cautious in spending and also building better human r/s..
some of the things i would need to drill some discipline to adhere strictly to.
and yes optimism. lots of it. an irony though as i'm constantly frustrated about my back issues.. it hurts really bad when the weather is cold, or when exposed to fan or aircon for too long.. sucks to know; but on the up side the pain isnt as pain as it was sometime back. so to the ppl i've been giving a long face to, i seek your forgiveness!
booking into camp tomorrow with a long heart too. sigh.
and i do kinda hope the predictions for the year is true. for I would really like to experience the meaning of love, carrying another's problem & solving them..
hehe. cheers matey. to good health and fortune.
Thursday, 29 December 2011
/23:15
Now the question is to down pes anot?
a month later, my status is gonna be up. and there's no way i will still be able to do parade and run around.. unless of course miracle happens.. and the sad reality is that chiropractic is not recognized by Mindef.
seeing the chiropractic doctor has its ups and downs, some days i feel the pain easing and on others its just pain.. very much my spine feels like the subject of a science experiment. waking up each day is like filing a report.. At times, its just pure frustration indeed; the feeling of being trapped in a spot, in a prison cell.
Then again, this whole episode is teaching me the value of being patient, anger management.. perhaps its just a test for me? mind vs body?
I really hope i get to wake up from this "dream" soon.. seriously, fighting hard to paint a smile on the face is not the way to go indeed.
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Growing up, had always thought of myself as being lucky. That when I do activities, never had to deal with sprained legs, broken bones, fracture, nothing extravagant. Only the occasional cuts and bruises. Was envious of friends that got hurt along the way and even had thoughts of myself to be injured, to be hospitalised..
Then, 2011. My luck ran out and what I did saw was deja vuu indeed. The year I turned 21, the key to adulthood, my prime.
Its frustrating to cope with this pain, and to root of it all, denied ability to do what you want. Also comes the stress of being accountable to it all. I'm really tired; constantly question myself what to do, how to do..
Then comes the part of treatment, conventional vs non conventional.. Having my thoughts initially fixed on surgery getting it over and done with in a month, the conventional approach. But I'm scared of getting under the knife and also the bloody risks aft it. It may also lead to complications and relapse too.. Hais, that's one. And the other's the non conventional, chiropractic; which attempts to solve the issue at the root of it all. But, its a foggy path ahead and that I really gotta put trust in the physician and convincing the army.
Sigh, may 2012 be a better year please. Let me ord, let me go travel.
Thursday, 8 December 2011
I really need that guiding hand now.. tell me what to do, how to go about it?
Stuck in the middle or dilemma literally. Not letting people down can be my forte and can be my murder, something I try hard to not have the former. Yet with this current depictment, I'm constantly forced into that corner. It really sucks to know that your friends are out there working hard, yet me being bounded by this nonchalant medical agreement. Its justifiable that you're the one that needs rest here, but with a pain that comes and go, doesn't exist in plain sight, and me doubting its existence at all ; its just pure mind blowing frustrations.
I hate people calling me a bummer, useless, chaokeng. Truth is that I'm not and I just don't know what and how to react in this situation of mine. Today I am be well, but that doesn't mean that god damn pain will not come knocking tonight.
Then there's the question of why continue doing those outdoor activities of yours given your injuries? Answer, yes I do feel pain doing them and against the doctor's advice. But they give me the temporary release from all that stress, and seriously not exercise at all! What am I going to do, sit around grow mold and grow fat? I also hate to see the hardwork I've worked hard to build before I enlist come tumbling down like a deck of cards. And lastly, not letting my friends there down too.
Which comes back to a whole continuous cycle... Army, family, doctor, friends. So frustrating.
I heard national service likes to take your weakest point, throw it into the open and let the sun tear at it. Is that what's going on now? Pls tell me if I can see the end of my tunnel or at least a tiny ray of light.
Saturday, 26 November 2011
"To Move, To Breathe, To Fly, To Float,
To Gain while you give,
To Roam the roads or lands remote.
To Travel is to Live..."
Hans Christian Andersen
well said.
Thursday, 24 November 2011
sad. angst. and yes m newly acquired swear word.. Bollocks to you god damn tester.
killed my excitement of driving all together. Drove slow and followed all those "steps" to suit the test, yet i got scalded for not doing the opposite... Its really so confusing! and there's the constant steep price tag of $20 for test, $50 for license, $45 for lessons, $30 for circuit, $240 for test package. Pay so much for all these unnecessary costs, yet the construction never stops, traffic issues are still present.
sigh. this gahmen is just so damn money obsessed. perhaps they should be the one going for problem gambling gatherings..
there's also the pain that had plagued for yet so long. will this year's stand chart marathon be my swansong?
probably another railway line is being constructed on my forehead already..
so need a break. from all this.
那些年錯過的愛情 /15:13
那些年，我們一起追的女孩
"what if" "I could" have done more to pursue that dream?
and you.
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Jai guru deva om /13:21
Lost thoughts.
so many has plagued me.
faithfully /22:29
oh girl, you're still on my mind. faithfully.
Key to the world /15:18
the common saying of hitting 21st is attaining "the key to the world"; something i'd wished for in the tender years, then again now when its here, so do a long slew of responsibilities and a hedge haze or labyrinth of passageways to decipher and conquer..
i've decided to do away with the pomp and ceremonies of a birthday gathering, opting for something quaint and quiet with the ones that gave me life.
Choosing for a short hop to kl and melaka for the occasion. which turns out to be a little of a regret as it didnt hit its objective of quaint and quiet either. Both cities had to deal with a whole lot of walking, something my folks cant catch up on; ideologies to holidaying varies as well... i really should have given more thought to this.
starting on the wrong foot, yeah literally.. had its bane. plaguing me with some serious bad news of a possible disc injury.. angst and shock kick in as this was some serious shit which could throw me out of action in the near future. it arrived as a shock initially then it soon became anger as i was angry with myself how could this happen.. several hiccups along the way added a few other tons on the already packed load i'm carrying.
visiting grandma in the hospital today also left me leaving with a heavy heart. Solidity reminding me of the importance of loving, living and laughing out loud. and opened my mind to the thoughts of financial independence; Things which i would really need to discipline myself to plan for.
this chapter started with a low, but the funny thing about being low is that a high is never too far away. I hope the chaps in the crow's nest would be able to spot it soon.
and also you soon...
in my life i loved them all.. /23:45
The greatest band of all time.
& to think despite the limitation of technologies in their era, the number of fans can be so much!
Black Book /02:20
His quote from the video..
"to be truly challenging in this life that we live, it should be based on a firm foundation of financial and risk...
how people fling their life beneath the wheels of routine in the pursuit of security..
the choice: what would it be?
bankruptcy of pocket or bankruptcy of soul.."
well said.
and yes how small we are on this big planet earth..
/11:17
Bob Sinclar's Love Generation.
Chanced upon this video by chance. its pretty awesome!
To be going out and doing the things the
your way no regrets no worry. I adore that!
backpain go away.. i want to go out!!!!
live life /22:27
Self centered living, vain, ingoing..
Do I fit any of them? there ought to be some rationale as to how the military choses its men..who are the leaders, their personalities.. I hope I'm not the geographical profile I've thought to be in..
Another year and 2 mths to go, should I change to survive or the other way round..
I do hope for someone to share my thoughts and life. someone tat have the same pov.
And also, does planning leads to failure?..
seeking, adventuting, exploration /09:00
ATC 2011 had been a fun filled race, a taste of what those big boys adv race outside are planning. my kindof genre of racing!
Even thou we'd a bad start, it was really awwesome tat we caught up esp at the kayaking section which we powered thru 3 teams, superb adrenauline. and when it gets too hot in the neck for u, the race brings u swimming. gorgeous!
The whole experience felt like a gd dream, memories. and its bout time to wake up again to boresome green. its the same sun, but the feeling's world apart.
At the end of the day, ppl ask me why torture urself on ur weekends to do tat. my thots; its the spirit, adrenauline, friends tat am addicted to: the things tat put on smile on me.. :)
phantom of the opera /22:58
Finally got time to see back and enjoy this masterpiece.
:D
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